I love teaching - don't get me wrong - but I have been experiencing serious burnout. The prep, the grading, my mind has been numb. And, of course, all these tasks take precedence over any type of researching and writing that I should be doing. It's easy to push something off that has an indeterminable deadline; it's much harder to ignore a stack of papers, written by students who are awaiting their feedback so that they can appropriately address their issues in their next draft.
And, then, spring came and with it some very, very dark days. We lost our dear Ella. At 16-years-old, she was holding up pretty well, but then (just like Marley in Marley and Me), she ate something nasty, and it was downhill from there. When we first took her into the vet, we didn't think it was anything serious, but over the next couple of days it became clear that things were not looking good. Thankfully, we got to bring her home and have a few days with her before we came to the decision that we would have to put her sleep.
I can't even put into words the true awfulness of that period of time. It was devastating, and for me, the grief was all consuming. Ella died over my spring break, which I was so grateful for. It gave me a few days to mourn without the distraction of class. Mr. Beeton was not as lucky. He had a job interview two days after she died. I can't imagine how he did it. And, of course, Boy Beeton, well, that was his sister. A few days after her death, we were in downtown Takoma, shopping at Magic Carpet. The owner asked Boy Beeton if he had any siblings - always a difficult question for a single child to navigate - but a particularly difficult one now. When we were leaving, he pulled me aside and whispered, "I said, No, when she asked me if I had any brothers or sisters. Was that okay?" My heart broke.
I can't even put into words how it feels to miss her. I remember Fiona Apple writing a heartfelt letter about her dog, Janet, and I thought to myself, "How is she so lucid?" For me, the words wouldn't come; my heart was too twisted. Just looking at old photos and videos makes me feel sick.
Right after Ella died, I bought a bracelet from a seller on Etsy. It says, "Once by my side, forever in my heart." On the outside is a paw print and Ruby's name. That's the closest I've come to verbalizing anything.
The house was too quiet for a while. Mr. Beeton, Boy Beeton, and I would come home and just be overcome with sadness. It wasn't long before we realized that what would help us most would be to bring another dog home. Without a dog, our lives felt incomplete.
And, so, at the end of April, we adopted Ruthie - a rescue dog from City Dogs Rescue. She's got floppy ears, black/grey shaggy fur, the top of her head is brownish. We think she has some Schnauzer. But, she has a terrier snout and terrier eyes, and a little spot of white on her one paw, which makes us think of Ella. She's perfect. And we are lucky to find another dog to love.
Keep sweeping,
Martha
Reading the newest Mary Higgins Clark, Ruth Reichl's Garlic and Sapphires, and Stephanie Danler's Sweet Bitter. Recently finished The Last Anniversary by Liane Moriarty and Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward. Watched Marley and Me. Captivated by Southern Charm.
