I'm not going to pretend that this has been an easy year for my marriage. In fact, I feel as though these last five months have really embodied the sentiment "for better or for worse." With the arrival of Baby Beeton, his smiles and giggles, has come a whole lot of better. But, the stress of having a newborn, the postpartum surge of emotions, the bone aching tiredness, also comes with a whole lot of worse.
I remember in graduate school being introduced to an article by Alix Kates Shulman called "A Marriage Agreement." The essay, which was originally published in the feminist magazine
Up From Under in 1970, discussed a more egalitarian approach to the division of domestic labor in marriage. As a young, graduate student forging my own sense of a feminist self, I was taken by the proposal, vowing that - when married - I would not only keep my name but also look for someone who was truly willing to be my partner, not just my husband.
Mr. Beeton and I are lucky. We have the privilege of having - while not the highest paying jobs in the world - certainly some with the most flexible hours. We knew this when we talked about starting a family. And we discussed all the ways in which our academic lives were well suited to raising a little one. We knew, if Baby Beeton was born in the summer, that not only would I be able take advantage of our University's generous family leave policy and forgo teaching responsibilities in the fall but I would also have my spring sabbatical as a buffer to becoming a full-fledged working mom. Since Mr. Beeton is a graduate student, his schedule is flexible as well. We knew he would have intense periods of field work and grading in the fall, but we also knew that during his "down time" he would be able to take over the Baby Beeton responsibilities so that I could work on my two book projects - an editing project on technology in the Women's Studies classroom and a scholarly analysis of food memoirs. We would be the living embodiment of "A Marriage Agreement."
But the problem with ideals is that they are often difficult to actualize. I naively never realized just how demanding being a parent would be, and Mr. Beeton never realized just how fiercely postpartum emotions might take hold of me. We were a mess, and we're still clawing our way out of it.
Now, however, in emerging out of the postpartum haze and thinking over our situation rationally, I think one of the most significant obstacles that we've had to overcome - and still struggle to overcome - rests with the depth to which gendered ideologies can run - no matter what kind of intentions you might have. Being able to equally parent is a blessing. I can't imagine how young mothers deal with a baby day in and day out without the physical and emotional daily support of their partner (I have a new found respect for my own mother and my empathy for Betty Draper is even stronger now). I can honestly say that I wouldn't be able to do it. But, at the same time, I find myself envying that clear cut division of labor. After all, if Don's in the city, Betty knows exactly who will tend to Sally, even if she doesn't always do it in the kindest way possible. When Mr. Beeton and I are both home, I still find myself rushing to soothe Baby Beeton because I feel as though I'm a failure as a mother if I don't. Too often, I don't accept help when it's offered because I feel guilty pushing off what I see as my responsibilities even though I know we're in this together. And, even more so, I fail to acknowledge the tremendous contribution that Mr. Beeton has made in equally parenting because I think, subconsciously, I can't. After all, isn't it the mother who is supposed to be raising the children? And, if she's not, then what does that say about her? Acknowledging my limitations makes me feel worthless. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Negotiating these new roles has been tough...
I'm hoping, as the days go by, that we get better at it and kinder toward each other. We've been given this great gift to raise our son together, and we should certainly appreciate that. And we should always be mindful of what we have done and continue to do for each other each and every day. I know I'd be lost on this journey without you, Mr. Beeton, and I also know that I couldn't imagine a better, kinder, stronger, more caring man than you to be a support system for me and a model of goodness for our son.
Happy Anniversary.
Keep sweeping, Martha
